How to Overcome Emotional Labor Burnout

Do you ever find yourself unexplainably exhausted? Do you ever feel like you’re doing so much in your life, business, and relationships, and yet you can’t pinpoint exactly why you’re so tired?

If so, then reflecting on your emotional labor might be helpful, and psychotherapist Terri Cole wrote a book on just that.

Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.

We all want to be more effective and efficient in our lives, but we leak energy and oftentimes are unaware of it.

Cole identifies emotional labor as the invisible, usually under appreciated bandwidth that we expend in our lives to just keep things afloat.

We manage families, make sure enough toilet paper is stocked in the house, and gymnastic tuition is paid. Our mind is the equivalent of a computer screen with 25 tabs open, and only 5% battery life left.

A high-functioning co-dependent (HFC) is essentially when you’re doing it all, and you’re overly invested in the feelings, state, decisions and outcomes of the people in your life.

When an HFC isn’t appreciated for their emotional labor, it’s not uncommon for resentment to rear its ugly head.

Emotional Labor Checklist:

1. I often feel like I’m doing everything for everyone.

2. I wish that the people in my life acknowledged my efforts more.

3. I feel overwhelmed and resentful at times.

4. I often act as the go-between for people in my life.

5. If I wasn’t here, nothing would get done.

6. I feel responsible for other people’s issues and problems.

7. I am the problem-solving point person, personally or professionally.

8. I identify as an HFC.

9. I often think that if I want it done right, it’s easier to do it myself.

10. I often feel inexplicably exhausted.

If many of these items on the checklist resonate with you, it has probably led to disgruntled emotions due to feeling under valued. When we leak our energy by constantly being in service of others, there is little left for yourself.

In order to take your power (and energy) back, it’s time to establish internal and external boundaries. Here’s how:

1. Take inventory — uncover where you’re leaking energy through emotional labor. Start to mark off things that you don’t want to do anymore; having this consciousness is helpful as a first step. Give yourself permission to understand how you really feel about each item, and if you really can’t stand it, make note.

2. Stop the ‘auto yes’ — if people ask for something, and you automatically agree, try taking 24 hours to make a decision about things instead. Outside of caring for young children, you don’t need to give an immediate answer (particularly volunteer experiences). Here are some examples to reply from your normal yes: “Thank you for asking, let me check my calendar and get back to you.” “Let me check with my partner first, then I’ll let you know before I can commit.” “I’ll need to think about it and get back to you, I’ll make a decision by Wednesday.”

3. Trust your gut — if you instinctively and instantly know that you don’t want to commit, and don’t need time to think about it, here are some scripts you can use: “I’m afraid I can’t.” “I’m not really into {fill in the blank}, but I hope you have a wonderful time.” “I’d rather not, but thanks for thinking of me.”

Lastly, raise your awareness and ask yourself these questions to go even deeper on a case-by-base basis:

1. Does this task need to be done?

2. Does it need to be done by me?

3. Does it need to be done now?

You’ve more than likely been leaking energy from emotional labor at a subconscious level for quite some time, which means it will not be an overnight process to change.

So, give yourself some grace as you slowly begin to reprogram your HFC tendencies. If you’d like to learn even more about overcoming high-functioning codependency, visit hfcbook.com.